walking

I do an extreme amount of walking everyday in this city. For example.......I walk to the dog boutique I work at and it is just over 1/2 a mile. I walk there and back. I also walk to my subway which is about .3 miles several times a day.....my gym is the same distance. Often times when meeting friends for wine or dinner I'll walk a half or full mile to and fro. I think about my life in Gainesville where I would drive everywhere, even to get coffee half a mile away and I laugh. Your body just adjusts here. I went for months getting blisters, etc though until my body and feet adjusted. While this is great exercise, sometimes it's just so HARD and ANNOYING!! LOL. I often get to 75th and Broadway coming home from the subway or grocery, and I have only 2 Avenues left to walk, but they seem so long, and on cold, windy days, those avenues just about kill me!! Speaking of Avenues, to those of you who do not know......NYC is a grid system. From the bottom of the city, to the top, the roads are streets and typically in numerical order going upwards. For example, i'm on 75th and if I want I can walk to say......Times Square which starts around 46th. That is roughly 30 streets/blocks. In NYC 20 blocks is a mile. Going East to West are Avenues and they are twice the length of streets, so 10 Avenues is a mile. Knowing this is wonderful as I'm constantly calculating my distances. And this also has made this city extremely easy to master. East to West/ North to South. Only in the villages or Soho areas do I get confused as the streets begin to have names and go off the grid into little side streets. :)
I'm on the west side and 4 Avenues from central park, but I'm right along Riverside park which runs about 40 blocks along the Hudson. It's a really lovely run.

Anyway, I started this post b/c lately, on the weekends, when going to the studio (that's right. I'm currently in classes at the studio 7 days a week.....so I haven't had a day off in forever) I've been walking. My studio is on 7th and 37th (btw Times Square and Macys'). This is almost 40 blocks and several avenues and comes out to just under 2.5 miles. I started doing this recently not only for the exercise, but also b/c my schedule is incredibly hectic and has me running from work to the subway to school and vice versa, to the gym and home. A lot of my time is spent at the studio or on the Upper West Side, and I start forgetting the city and staying only in my little comfort zones. Life so easily becomes a drudgery here! So on the weekends when I don't have to be in class until 10 or 1030 and don't work before, I get up and walk. Despite that it's a bit cold for my tastes....this practice has been rejuvenating! Sometimes I walk up 8th Avenue after reaching Columbus Circle (this is the corner of 59th and where Central park starts along the West side) sometimes 7th or even 6th. I'm seeing so many great things! Restaurants, bars, cafes, shops---all that i'm dying to try and explore if only I had the time!! Anyway, Saturday is was a warmer morning--like 45--and I walked to the studio with coffee in hand and music in my ears (Pandora tuned to a Missy Higgins station). At one point in my walk, the song 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' by Isaac Kamakawiwo'ole came on the station. At that moment I looked up and the skies were the most magnificent blue with the city just laid OUT in front of me. It was such a perfect moment to me, walking at 9am, with a coffee here in NYC, on my way to my acting studio. I cannot quite describe it!!! These are those moments when I know I'm here for a reason and that my passions will one day be rewarded. I walked the rest of the way, with such an air of confidence I wish I had a picture of it. I felt that nothing will stand in my way and that I had become and am becoming an unstoppable force!!! I was at the studio from 10-5 that day and had such a great day. I had a professor of mine (my Mask class teacher) take me aside and tell me I was a great actress and artist and that I had something special that I needed to continue with at all costs! What a compliment that was to me....here in NYC!  If only I could keep that confidence and momentum! lol. I now know how to find that energy in myself when I need an extra boost of confidence. Even if it's just at a bar or speaking with a stranger--that energy is a valuable resource!  It comes and goes as it does with all......but I believe we need it when pursuing whatever it is in our lives that we are passionate about. And, I encourage everyone to find their passions and pursue them!!! Our lives are so short and our world truly needs more people doing what they love, as that is when we are at our best!!!
Well, I'm off to bed!

New!

I haven't been blogging in awhile. I keep meaning to update this for the very few people who actually read it.....and also for myself, as it is therapeutic to write. However, every time I begin a post.......i can't figure out what to say, as there is so much, so I quit. Today.....with the encouragement of my friends I have decided to write as it comes......not feeling the need to recount every moment of the past 6 months. So.......here we are. I have had a roller coaster few months here in the Big Apple. To start...this is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I completely underestimated how hard this transition in my life would actually be, and it really only now is fully catching up to me. There are so many wonderful things. I am here in this city that I have literally dreamt of living in since I was a young girl and I am pursuing a career that I have wanted for longer. I AM pursuing it, but I'm not auditioning at the moment. Just as every professional must take a time in their life to study their field of choice......I am taking this time to not only study but to master my field. As far as this aspect of my life----well-----it's unbelievable. My voice has opened up and changed and I am ever more conscious of my body and how much emotion I hold within it to express and to not express. I am becoming a master of these things within myself b/c my body is my instrument to play and to open and experience. My acting has, because of these things, truly begun to flourish and I am astounded at times during exercises at how quickly I can reach into myself for emotions such as anger, sadness, happiness, joy, fear, etc. Not only reach into myself for them, but actually REALLY experience them. I can cry on cue and I feel so free. Now when I act, I am so much more able to BECOME.....to ENVELOPE......to BE whatever I am supposed to be in that time. How freeing!!! How I relish this time and this gift of studying b/c I can now see that while I have always had a certain talent, if you will, it was unpolished and I really was mimicking rather than becoming. In these aspects I sometimes start to believe that maybe I have a shot of attaining some success here as an actor in the next few years. Although, I am still plagued with uncertainty and doubt almost weekly. It is frustrating when half of everyone you meet in NYC, once was an 'actor'. lol.

This freedom that I am experiencing does tend to have its side effects. I am ever more aware of my feelings and I have become extremely sensitive to all of...........life. I feel so much more than I ever did and I feel often.......somewhat fragile. Perhaps it is also due to the circumstances of my life that brought me to NYC in the first place. Our first year of work though is to break down all the blocks in our bodies, behavior and our feelings that we have put up throughout our lives. So, when we have deep pain or we are hurt......we naturally throughout life put up defenses or blocks. ACTORS are paid (or not paid) to tell stories and convey humanity and life.....so we have to know how to really feel things and to allow those emotions to really exist and dwell inside us. So, for the past 5 months, it's been DOWN BLOCKS......ugh!!! So much feeling! I am only now in February, REALLY processing the breakup of my marriage. It has come on like an tornado. I mean, I've been dealing with the dull pain of it for awhile, but not my bandaid block has come fully off. It makes me feel fragile and I'm starting to understand that I need my blocks at times in my life, otherwise I feel too much and go crazy, and I just need to learn when to lower them in my acting. But it has brought all this pain in my life up to the front. So many questions I ask all the time, you know. Where did it really go wrong? When was that exact moment? Why do all our friends seem to be able to make it work, while we struggle? Are people judging me that my life is a failure b/c of what went down?  I think it's good though to analyze and ask these questions though b/c we grow so much in our pain. B/c no matter how much there is, life simply goes on and with it I must move or get run over. So, I'm moving......inching forward into my uncertainty, praying that I will get back on a paved road eventually. Off-roading is supposed to be fun after all!!! I am really learning who I am.......and it's different than I thought. I have learned that I like being alone much more than I thought I did.....that I find comfort in time to myself (well with Bailey of course). But especially in the chaos of New York, it has become crucial to me. Although with this winter in which I am miraculously surviving (haha) there is plenty of time to be indoors and alone. I also am hopefully realizing that I am stronger than I thought and that this move here alone is a big courageous thing in my life that i've done/am doing. No one can take this experience from me. I'm learning more and more each day, that as hard as I think my life is at times, I'm really blessed with my family and friends and I'm so grateful to be here having this opportunity. Geesh. sometimes I still cannot believe it!!! I walk out my door into the greatest city in the world and it is my playground. hahah! Is this a depressing post? I'm not sure. I try to be as honest as possible and my life is a bit depressing right now.......but I wanted to write all this b/c i'm determined to keep this up and I want to witness the upturn when it happens. I think sometimes we miss the small triumphs and turn arounds we have so hopefully i can shed some light on them by doing this.  I'm not going to even re read through it b/c I just wrote what I thought. To whomever chooses to read this.....please share your thoughts. :) More brighter posts to come!

Fall in NYC

This first photo I took as fall was first beginning to arrive. It was still fairly warm here and this is the castle in Central Park. I love the way the yellow tints are just beginning in the trees. Since I took this picture, the fall season has arrived in full force. The second picture is a view of where I run in Riverside Park, right outside my apartment. I should say, fall is my favorite time of year!!! I love taking long walks in Riverside park alone or with Bailey. I use that time to think of my acting projects I'm working on, or to think about my dreams and my life in general. This fall in particular is meaningful and difficult for me, as it's my first one alone since I was 21 years old. It is also the first time I have been crazy homesick in awhile. I'm actually not sure where I am homesick for though!!! Ohio........Florida.....both perhaps. I miss family and good friends so badly right now. I AM making friends here and I do still bake and things like that that I love in the fall but I miss my best friends and family, of course. Don't we all, who move away from the things we know and love to pursue that nagging impossible dream that we can never forget, miss our comforts we left behind? Those nagging, impossible dreams............:)
That dream for me as everyone knows is to act. I've had this dream since as long as I can remember. I was always making up skits and performing for myself in the mirror or to friends or my parents. And I've dreamed of living in NYC since I was 17. And now......at age 27 (almost 28) I am living here for my first fall. It is more lonely and difficult than I imagined, but I'm sure it will get better as time goes along. My God, the beauty of the city in the fall an heading into the Holiday season is breathtaking. Especially after living in Florida for so many years. The air is crisp in the morning as I walk to work or school with a cup of coffee. I feel refreshed and alive, and when I get overtaken by my emotions of sadness or loneliness, I simply go for walks in the park to remember how LUCKY I am to be here living this life at this time of my life.  I can't forget the life I had and loved, and I miss it so much as well. I've realized though that I cannot live my life looking back in a rearview mirror. My life resembles fall at the moment b/c it is going through a period of change.......hard times like winter are expected, but I have hope that like the seasons, spring will soon arrive with regrowth and renewal. Perhaps I will regret my decisions, but I will have to remember that I was obviously driven to make them b/c I needed more. I needed to go and do this. I knew if I didn't, I would look back at age 40 and then I definitely would have a regret. A regret of suppressing a passion inside me that just WON'T DIE. HAHA. And now I can always look back and know that I did it. I tried--regardless of my outcome. In fact I cannot even focus on the outcome, b/c the journey is perhaps the most important part. And what a journey this is becoming. Fall in NYC is something I believe everyone should see and be a part of at some point in their lives. Oh, it is so magical!!! The leaves are still changing, but Christmas is starting to come alive here too! The last picture is my street running down into Riverside park!!! Isn't it just lovely. For those wanting to come and visit.....the more the merrier.....although my schedule is so busy that it's difficult for me to be a good host. My only free day is Sunday. :) Still the Holidays are coming and visitors are welcome. :)

Bailey

For those who don't know.....I have a part time job at a pet boutique here on the Upper West Side called Canine Country Club. It's really given me a clue on how crazy these New Yorkers are about their dogs!!! Raincoats, jackets, winter coats, 200 beds......they are each a MUST up here!!! haha. My store is pretty great b/c I can take my dog in with me which helps me to not feel so guilty about being so busy. It's really a different world though! We have doggie day care which is 35 dollars a day and so many people pay it every single day!!!! I had a woman a few weeks ago, tell me her dog doesn't eat meat b/c he chooses to be a vegetarian!!! And a few days ago when I asked a couple if I could give their dog a treat (which by the way was gluten free, grain free, hormone free, dehydrated chicken that is 18.99 for a small bag) they "discussed" it then decided that it would ruin their dogs appetite as she was eating within the hour. OMG!!!! haha. I get a kick out of these people up here sometimes. I have started to get a little in to the coat thing however, b/c whether it is raining, sleeting, hailing, snowing or freezing, walking is a must for me to get anywhere. For Bailey it is no exception! It rains quite a bit here too, and Bailey wouldn't go out in it so I got her this coat pictured and now it's SO much better!!! haha. I laugh every time I put it on!!! I also just got her a winter coat that is adorable b/c it does get pretty freaking cold here and she has always been a florida dog!

Classes

So I'm studying full time right now at the William Esper Studio and I'm already learning and changing so much.  In addition to my acting class that meets twice a week for 4 hours each.....i have Voice that meets twice a week, Movement meeting twice a week, Alexander Technique meeting once a week for 3 hours, Dance meeting once a week for 2 hours, and Mask that meets once a week for 4 hours. It's a busy schedule. Some of you may find this a boring post, but for my parents and others who act I wanted to give a breakdown.
Of course Acting is amazing learning Meisner technique. Stanford Meisner used to say, "Without spontaneity acting is like soup without salt: it's stale, flat, and completely unprofitable". And at the studio....Mr. Esper believes that the “real contact between actors comes when they listen to what they are saying to each other, and then respond truthfully from themselves, from their own point of view.” He subscribes to Sanford Meisner’s principle that what an actor does doesn’t depend on him, but on what the other actor does to him. He believes that this is the foundation from which all acting training should begin. It's just so interesting b/c we are in no way learning to act. They accepted people who can basically act, and we are now just learning how to get out of our heads and respond to other actors truthfully. We are learning to be more vulnerable. And it's really amazing to see what happens.
With my partner Jeff, over the past few weeks, we will just start a repetition with eachother and it just gets so crazy. Sometimes it gets to where we are screaming at eachother.....twice I've broken down crying b/c of something he said.....or b/c he's busy with a project and ignoring me. Before I know it, just by letting him affect me, I feel all sorts of different emotions surfacing. And it's great b/c we are still living in a somewhat imaginary circumstance, but we are just being spontaneous. There are no social restrictions. If he wants to yell at me that I'm a bitch and annoying he does it, and vice versa. And then we stop and go on, and I've really noticed myself opening up to having those emotions. I need to have them and to experience that b/c I will hopefully have characters that have those deep emotions, and the more free I am, the better my performance will be. And I learn so much just watching my classmates go. Seeing them each class open up more and grow....it's incredible.

My VOICE class is also changing me big time. We've mostly been focusing on breathing and how that is the biggest effector of our speech. I tend to have a nasal/high voice, and through my classes and doing my breathing exercises, my voice has already gone down. I now sound more refined and more grown up. SO exciting! We are now starting to get into the placement of our tongues and how that also affects our speech and how when we learn to pay attention to that we can more easily master different dialects. My teacher is great....Patricia Fletcher. She's worked with lots of great actors to help them perfect a different dialect for a movie.....and already my sound has changed. I feel more confident even when I speak b/c my voice is so much more refined.

Movement is my second favorite class to acting. It's so fun and also opens me up so much. The basic theory of this class for us is that......when you are performing, your body is a very expressive tool--somewhat more expressive than your voice.  We start just by laying on the ground for 10 minutes just meditating. Then he will start some music and we can begin flowing and moving with our breath. Whatever we feel....in our bodies or emotions....etc......we are told to say continuously "it's ok, it's ok, it's ok. no apologies, no judgement". This has really affected me simply b/c I have felt alot of judgement in my life over the past few years and especially months. I constantly question my decisions, so for me to tell myself over and over that it's ok, just really gets to me. I"m learning to forgive myself through this class. Then we just begin moving. I usually forget anyone is in there except myself. It feels so great to open up to music and move and dance and feel my body. Several times it has gotten emotional. Our bodies really tell a story, and listening to mine has been great. more on this later. I just had some girls from the studio stop by. Caitlin my greatest love is here!!!

A look...

I've been in New York for 2 and a half months. Wow. That is difficult to believe. I'll say it again.....wow. I walk around this city all the time looking up, wondering if this is real. It's just amazing......and I'm happy I'm doing it. I have a sort of peace about it at the moment.  It has been an exciting but hard past few months. I left behind a man who has been in my life for 8 years as a constant, and who I assumed would be there forever. Even though it was a decision that had been coming for years.....the finality of it hit me when he drove away back to Texas, leaving me in New York. I didn't get out of my bed for 2 days. That sounds a little dramatic, as I did get out of my bed, but I just sat around my apartment thinking about my lost love and my lost dog Sonny, who also was in that car heading back to Texas. I felt angry that I felt like that and guilty that I had pushed so hard to get somewhere; only to get there and feel so lost. Over the past few months, I have constantly struggled with coming to terms with the stress of not only a move, but a new life. This is the first time I've lived alone-EVER, and I'm doing it in one of the biggest cities in the world. Can you have more of a growing experience? lol. Geesh. I'm fortunate to have the love of my dog Bailey to help me through and I'm really fortunate to  live in one of the safest and most beautiful neighborhoods in Manhattan....the Upper West Side. So while living alone is difficult for me, especially at night with my crazy imagination, I at least don't really have much to fear. It's still an adjustment. Cooking for only one person is an adjustment......not having anyone with whom I can watch TV is an adjustment.....it all is just one big adjustment. My first week was the hardest as I literally knew no one. There were days in my first 2 weeks that I would be out in the city all day walking around and I would get home all day to realize i hadn't SPOKEN to anyone. To be surrounded by people all day and not have anyone look at you or speak to you is......grounding to say the least. But.....I refused to let that get to me. So I went to cafes and read and wrote. I went on walks. I went to the gym and to yoga classes. I went to dinner by myself. And gradually life started opening for me. I went to dinner one friday night at a great place Cava on the UWS (upper west side) and made friends with the bartender and the owner, who, upon finding out I didn't know anyone in the city, assured me I could always visit there to have a glass of wine and be welcome. So......I took them up on their offer, and I started to make friends. Alberto always introduced me to groups of girls and I made some great connections to people I still hang out with and have become my dearest friends. Things have been starting to look up for me, but to be honest I still feel lost.......and I have moments where I wonder what I am doing, but it's better now that I've started my classes at William Esper. I didn't start my classes until September 16th so I had an entire month and a half here to feel sorry for myself. haha. I say that only because my thoughts were heading to a place that wasn't helpful. I was constantly thinking that I had made a mistake in coming here.....that I would never find a meaningful life again....yada yada yada. Even when my dearest friends came to visit me.....I felt as though I was falling apart here. I was lonely and lost and was not FOCUSED on why I came.
Then.......September 16th arrived and from the moment I stepped into the studio....I felt alive. My first acting class was completely thrilling for me. To be surrounded by so many creative, talented, intelligent and ambitious people is electric. I walked out of my first class on fire and feeling on top of the world, and we hadn't even DONE anything. But it was as if, someone flicked the lightbulb in my head back on, and I remembered.....oh yeah. I came here for a REASON. I came here to learn and develop myself as an actor. To open and learn to be emotionally vulnerable in my performances and to become the best I can be at this passion that I love so much. To sit in my first class and have my acting teacher quote Sandy Meisner and say to us...."so. You want to act in the RED". Meaning....we came to this studio b/c we obviously want something more out of ourselves onstage and in our craft. We don't want to be meek or subtle but powerful and vibrant. We want to live in the moment and act spontaneously! We want to discover those deep emotions inside of us that most stuff away and allow them to surface in our moments. To convey human emotions as they are in the truth of life: raw, alive, strong, vulnerable. This is what excited me. This is what I had always felt inside of me but never had I been completely surrounded by not only other actors wanting to experience this, but by the best teachers in this city wanting to help me find that for myself. They do not teach acting at Esper.....but rather train us to know our instrument (our body) inside out so that we can perfect it and guide it when acting. William Esper defines acting as "living truthfully in imaginary circumstances" and that is what they are helping us to really do.
Anyway, I got a little carried away there. I'm sure I'll write alot more on that. My point was simply that I am coming alive already. I'm focused. My life here so far is not easy--in fact it's quite hard--but it's so far exciting and I can see how much I'm growing and I love that. I will have much more to share on this journey. So stay tuned.
Signing off from my first blog ever. :)