New!

I haven't been blogging in awhile. I keep meaning to update this for the very few people who actually read it.....and also for myself, as it is therapeutic to write. However, every time I begin a post.......i can't figure out what to say, as there is so much, so I quit. Today.....with the encouragement of my friends I have decided to write as it comes......not feeling the need to recount every moment of the past 6 months. So.......here we are. I have had a roller coaster few months here in the Big Apple. To start...this is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I completely underestimated how hard this transition in my life would actually be, and it really only now is fully catching up to me. There are so many wonderful things. I am here in this city that I have literally dreamt of living in since I was a young girl and I am pursuing a career that I have wanted for longer. I AM pursuing it, but I'm not auditioning at the moment. Just as every professional must take a time in their life to study their field of choice......I am taking this time to not only study but to master my field. As far as this aspect of my life----well-----it's unbelievable. My voice has opened up and changed and I am ever more conscious of my body and how much emotion I hold within it to express and to not express. I am becoming a master of these things within myself b/c my body is my instrument to play and to open and experience. My acting has, because of these things, truly begun to flourish and I am astounded at times during exercises at how quickly I can reach into myself for emotions such as anger, sadness, happiness, joy, fear, etc. Not only reach into myself for them, but actually REALLY experience them. I can cry on cue and I feel so free. Now when I act, I am so much more able to BECOME.....to ENVELOPE......to BE whatever I am supposed to be in that time. How freeing!!! How I relish this time and this gift of studying b/c I can now see that while I have always had a certain talent, if you will, it was unpolished and I really was mimicking rather than becoming. In these aspects I sometimes start to believe that maybe I have a shot of attaining some success here as an actor in the next few years. Although, I am still plagued with uncertainty and doubt almost weekly. It is frustrating when half of everyone you meet in NYC, once was an 'actor'. lol.

This freedom that I am experiencing does tend to have its side effects. I am ever more aware of my feelings and I have become extremely sensitive to all of...........life. I feel so much more than I ever did and I feel often.......somewhat fragile. Perhaps it is also due to the circumstances of my life that brought me to NYC in the first place. Our first year of work though is to break down all the blocks in our bodies, behavior and our feelings that we have put up throughout our lives. So, when we have deep pain or we are hurt......we naturally throughout life put up defenses or blocks. ACTORS are paid (or not paid) to tell stories and convey humanity and life.....so we have to know how to really feel things and to allow those emotions to really exist and dwell inside us. So, for the past 5 months, it's been DOWN BLOCKS......ugh!!! So much feeling! I am only now in February, REALLY processing the breakup of my marriage. It has come on like an tornado. I mean, I've been dealing with the dull pain of it for awhile, but not my bandaid block has come fully off. It makes me feel fragile and I'm starting to understand that I need my blocks at times in my life, otherwise I feel too much and go crazy, and I just need to learn when to lower them in my acting. But it has brought all this pain in my life up to the front. So many questions I ask all the time, you know. Where did it really go wrong? When was that exact moment? Why do all our friends seem to be able to make it work, while we struggle? Are people judging me that my life is a failure b/c of what went down?  I think it's good though to analyze and ask these questions though b/c we grow so much in our pain. B/c no matter how much there is, life simply goes on and with it I must move or get run over. So, I'm moving......inching forward into my uncertainty, praying that I will get back on a paved road eventually. Off-roading is supposed to be fun after all!!! I am really learning who I am.......and it's different than I thought. I have learned that I like being alone much more than I thought I did.....that I find comfort in time to myself (well with Bailey of course). But especially in the chaos of New York, it has become crucial to me. Although with this winter in which I am miraculously surviving (haha) there is plenty of time to be indoors and alone. I also am hopefully realizing that I am stronger than I thought and that this move here alone is a big courageous thing in my life that i've done/am doing. No one can take this experience from me. I'm learning more and more each day, that as hard as I think my life is at times, I'm really blessed with my family and friends and I'm so grateful to be here having this opportunity. Geesh. sometimes I still cannot believe it!!! I walk out my door into the greatest city in the world and it is my playground. hahah! Is this a depressing post? I'm not sure. I try to be as honest as possible and my life is a bit depressing right now.......but I wanted to write all this b/c i'm determined to keep this up and I want to witness the upturn when it happens. I think sometimes we miss the small triumphs and turn arounds we have so hopefully i can shed some light on them by doing this.  I'm not going to even re read through it b/c I just wrote what I thought. To whomever chooses to read this.....please share your thoughts. :) More brighter posts to come!