A look...

I've been in New York for 2 and a half months. Wow. That is difficult to believe. I'll say it again.....wow. I walk around this city all the time looking up, wondering if this is real. It's just amazing......and I'm happy I'm doing it. I have a sort of peace about it at the moment.  It has been an exciting but hard past few months. I left behind a man who has been in my life for 8 years as a constant, and who I assumed would be there forever. Even though it was a decision that had been coming for years.....the finality of it hit me when he drove away back to Texas, leaving me in New York. I didn't get out of my bed for 2 days. That sounds a little dramatic, as I did get out of my bed, but I just sat around my apartment thinking about my lost love and my lost dog Sonny, who also was in that car heading back to Texas. I felt angry that I felt like that and guilty that I had pushed so hard to get somewhere; only to get there and feel so lost. Over the past few months, I have constantly struggled with coming to terms with the stress of not only a move, but a new life. This is the first time I've lived alone-EVER, and I'm doing it in one of the biggest cities in the world. Can you have more of a growing experience? lol. Geesh. I'm fortunate to have the love of my dog Bailey to help me through and I'm really fortunate to  live in one of the safest and most beautiful neighborhoods in Manhattan....the Upper West Side. So while living alone is difficult for me, especially at night with my crazy imagination, I at least don't really have much to fear. It's still an adjustment. Cooking for only one person is an adjustment......not having anyone with whom I can watch TV is an adjustment.....it all is just one big adjustment. My first week was the hardest as I literally knew no one. There were days in my first 2 weeks that I would be out in the city all day walking around and I would get home all day to realize i hadn't SPOKEN to anyone. To be surrounded by people all day and not have anyone look at you or speak to you is......grounding to say the least. But.....I refused to let that get to me. So I went to cafes and read and wrote. I went on walks. I went to the gym and to yoga classes. I went to dinner by myself. And gradually life started opening for me. I went to dinner one friday night at a great place Cava on the UWS (upper west side) and made friends with the bartender and the owner, who, upon finding out I didn't know anyone in the city, assured me I could always visit there to have a glass of wine and be welcome. So......I took them up on their offer, and I started to make friends. Alberto always introduced me to groups of girls and I made some great connections to people I still hang out with and have become my dearest friends. Things have been starting to look up for me, but to be honest I still feel lost.......and I have moments where I wonder what I am doing, but it's better now that I've started my classes at William Esper. I didn't start my classes until September 16th so I had an entire month and a half here to feel sorry for myself. haha. I say that only because my thoughts were heading to a place that wasn't helpful. I was constantly thinking that I had made a mistake in coming here.....that I would never find a meaningful life again....yada yada yada. Even when my dearest friends came to visit me.....I felt as though I was falling apart here. I was lonely and lost and was not FOCUSED on why I came.
Then.......September 16th arrived and from the moment I stepped into the studio....I felt alive. My first acting class was completely thrilling for me. To be surrounded by so many creative, talented, intelligent and ambitious people is electric. I walked out of my first class on fire and feeling on top of the world, and we hadn't even DONE anything. But it was as if, someone flicked the lightbulb in my head back on, and I remembered.....oh yeah. I came here for a REASON. I came here to learn and develop myself as an actor. To open and learn to be emotionally vulnerable in my performances and to become the best I can be at this passion that I love so much. To sit in my first class and have my acting teacher quote Sandy Meisner and say to us...."so. You want to act in the RED". Meaning....we came to this studio b/c we obviously want something more out of ourselves onstage and in our craft. We don't want to be meek or subtle but powerful and vibrant. We want to live in the moment and act spontaneously! We want to discover those deep emotions inside of us that most stuff away and allow them to surface in our moments. To convey human emotions as they are in the truth of life: raw, alive, strong, vulnerable. This is what excited me. This is what I had always felt inside of me but never had I been completely surrounded by not only other actors wanting to experience this, but by the best teachers in this city wanting to help me find that for myself. They do not teach acting at Esper.....but rather train us to know our instrument (our body) inside out so that we can perfect it and guide it when acting. William Esper defines acting as "living truthfully in imaginary circumstances" and that is what they are helping us to really do.
Anyway, I got a little carried away there. I'm sure I'll write alot more on that. My point was simply that I am coming alive already. I'm focused. My life here so far is not easy--in fact it's quite hard--but it's so far exciting and I can see how much I'm growing and I love that. I will have much more to share on this journey. So stay tuned.
Signing off from my first blog ever. :)